Happy New Year! At Least You're Not Spending It With The Kardashians

Well, it's here again.  The one night out of the year when all social proprieties and courtesies seem to go out the window, leaving us terrified as to what consequences will result.  I'm referring of course, to the custom of attending the obligatory New Year's Eve party. And if it seems like hardly any time at all has passed since you barely dragged yourself home in a drunken stupor from wherever it was you ended up last year (minus your cell phone, your wallet, your car keys and several articles of clothing), you're quaking at the thought that once again Karma is ready to catch up with you this coming Thursday night.

But like every past year's parties, this year's festivities will probably end up being shaped and influenced by what went on during the course of the last 12 months, which means that it should be fairly easy to realize when  the party you've gone to turns out to be a real dog.  But just in case your radar isn't up, let me render the service of showing you the ...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY

10) John Boehner hasn't touched a drop of liquor all night

9) You show up at the club you had reservations at with your same sex partner to find out that the bouncer at the front entrance is Kim Davis

8) Hillary Clinton was supposed to be at your party – but she apparently deleted your invitation

7) You're stuck in a corner with Ben Carson who's trying to explain something to you – who's trying to explain ANYTHING to you

6) Tom Brady keeps going around and squeezing all the party balloons to see if they're properly inflated

5) Hoda and Kathie Lee haven't touched a drop of liquor all night

4) You realize that you'd really rather be home watching to see how many different shades of red Kathy Griffin can make Anderson Cooper's face turn

3) The only other two people who show up are Charlie Sheen and his doctor

2) Caitlyn Jenner is crying on your shoulder and lamenting that after six months of trying to squeeze into tight evening gowns and Spanx, she wants to go back to being Bruce

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN THAT YOU'RE AT A BAD NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY...

You're at the same party with Donald Trump and thousands of cheering Muslims



Happy New Year, everyone!

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  

-- Thomas Pynchon

A Revisionist Charlie Brown Christmas

I figured that after 50 years, it was time to update one of our favorite TV Christmas specials, to reflect the times we live in. And so, without any reservations (or any sense of shame), I present the key scene from A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS...

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INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM - NIGHT

CHARLIE BROWN AND LINUS STAND TOGETHER ON THE STAGE.

CHARLIE BROWN: Isn't there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?

LINUS: Sure, Charlie Brown. I can tell you what Christmas is all about.

LINUS CROSSES TO THE CENTER OF THE STAGE.

LINUS: Lights, please... And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field keeping watch over their flock by night, and because they were of Arabic descent and were suspected of being members of ISIS (or at least ISIS sympathizers), lo, a squadron of F-16s came upon their strategic positions and blew them to pieces.

CHARLIE BROWN (AGHAST): Aaaaagh!

LINUS: And their wives and families had no place to flee to since none of the innkeepers would let them in.

CHARLIE BROWN STARTS HYPERVENTILATING.

LINUS: Now when Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judea, behold, there came wise men from the east, the east being Iran. And since they were wise men, it was figured that they were wise enough to be capable of developing a nuclear weapon. So the F-16s took them out too.

CHARLIE BROWN STARTS CHOKING AND TURNING PURPLE.

LINUS: That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown... Oh, and by the way, get rid of that crappy tree.

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  

-- Thomas Pynchon

Holiday Cyber Shopping? Thanks, I'll Pass

Last week I wrote about how my reaction to going out and performing my gift-buying duties generally stirs up some creative juices in me and gets me writing about such things. But as I thought it over, I realized the fear of actually heading out  to real stores and purchasing something is far less in my mind than the horror of going online and divulging all your personal info to complete strangers so someone in Mountain View, CA (or maybe India -- or the Philippines) can end up having a good laugh at your expense knowing you're buying Grandma a new commode with a padded toilet seat for Christmas.

And while I know that it supposed to save us all hours of running around from one mall to another, exhausting our energy and emptying our wallets and gas tanks in less time than it takes Donald Trump to insult a half dozen ethnicities,  once you think about it, cyber shopping presents a whole new set of hazards and issues to deal with which should put you off from even touching the keyboard on your iPad 6. And as a result, if you're anything like me, you'll probably wait until 5:50 pm on Dec. 24 to start your trek, anxiously plotting out a route on your GPS,  knowing your family will be OK with the usual assortment of thoughtful gifts that they'll find beneath the tree the next morning which you've so carefully and discriminatingly
selected at the only gas station/minimart you could find that's still open: lottery scratch-off tickets, bags of stale beef jerky and Cheetos, and a half empty 12-pack of Coors Light.

On the other hand, for those of you who dare take that step into cyberspace to accomplish your task, you might want to watch out for these pitfalls:

TOP 10 REASONS TO AVOID HOLIDAY CYBER SHOPPING

10.) You start cybershopping in your underwear, and a message pops up on your screen that says "I can see you shopping in your underwear"

9.) The Amazon drone keeps dropping your packages on your roof

8.) You ordered a 46" flatscreen Hi Def TV with Digital Surround Sound and 3D Picture. What shows up at your door is a 26" Schwinn 3-speed with a broken chain and no seat

7.) You think you got the deal of a lifetime by saving $200 on a final sale laptop only to find out that it'll be $100 less on December 26

6.) The Amazon drone keeps dropping your packages on your neighbor's roof

5.) After the website you're trying to order from has crashed for the eighth time in 10 minutes you call their 800 number to hear: "Thank you for calling our customer service hotline. Your time is valuable to us. Please stay on the line and a customer service rep will assist you as soon as possible.  The current estimated waiting time is two and a half days."

4.) Turns out that auction site that you were buying all your stuff from is run by the Russians

3.) The Amazon drone keeps dropping your packages in your neighbor's swimming pool 

2.) That annoying kid down the street who keeps hacking into your WiFi is threatening you with blackmail because he knows about the sex toys you ordered

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON TO AVOID HOLIDAY CYBERSHOPPING...

Every time a shopping mall cash register bell rings, another Victoria's Secret Angel gets her wings


Happy Virtual Holidays, Everyone!

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  

-- Thomas Pynchon

The Christmas Shopping Survival Miracle

Every year at this time, I start to think about facing the prospect of starting -- and hopefully ending -- my holiday shopping, worrying about what I'm going to buy, how much I'm going to spend and how much of a miracle it will be to have retained my sanity when it's over. 

Fortunately, I have a release valve.  My writing, which has helped me cope, and I've come up with a number of song parodies over the years to put the  season into perspective.  And sometimes they've made me a little bit of money too.  An example:

Back in 1986, I was writing for radio personality Joey Reynolds at WNBC Radio in New York City -- yep, the same station that had Don Imus, Soupy Sales and Howard Stern before he was fired. Joey held down the 3 pm-7 pm shift and I'd mail him or fax him jokes from Rochester. But I also got the chance to fly down to NYC and would sit in on the show on several occasions where I had the chance to pass him jokes and zingers that I'd come up with off the top of my head depending on the situation.

In December, Joey decided to do something that to our knowledge hadn't been done before (and to our knowledge hasn't been done since). Since the station was located in the GE Building in Rockefeller Center, he wanted to do a live remote radio sing-along out by the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree, and asked me and a young lady comedian who had just recently moved to New York and was appearing on his show occasionally to come up with some "Fractured Christmas Carols", parodies of well-known holiday songs and we were happy to oblige.

When the day came to do the live sing-along, I flew down to New York so I could be there for the fun. Joey's producer ran off about 100 copies of each of the songs I wrote and each of the songs the young comedian wrote and we bundled up and headed out to the tree. We passed out copies of the songs to the tourists and sightseers who really got into belting out the tunes, and had a fantastic time.

What did I write? Stuff like the following:

HARK! THE PUBLIC GOES INSANE

 

(sung to the tune of "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing")

 

Hark! The public goes insane.

     Christmas time is here again.

Rushing madly thru' the aisles,

     On their faces frozen smiles.

Joyful all ye merchants rise!

Raise the prices to the skies!

Now's the time to grab their dough.

Sell 'em junk before they know.

Hark! The merchants never fail

     Raking cash in by the bale.

 

Selling junk to all who'll buy it.

     We won't even let you try it.

As we rob you blind again,

     "Peace on earth, good will toward men."

Spending money ain't so hard.

Just pull out your credit card.

Think what damage it would do

If there were no chumps like you.

Hark! the public goes insane.

     Christmas time is here again.

It was one of the best holiday experiences I've ever had. Oh, and what happened to the young lady comedian? Well, she went on to have a successful career and starred in her own hit TV show in the '90s.  I guess Christmas miracles do happen.

 

 

 

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  

-- Thomas Pynchon