A-Haunting We Will Go

Ah, yes -- All Hallows Eve. The one day out of the year (besides maybe St. Patrick's day) when we can all dress like kids do and make total asses out of ourselves and get enjoyably and thoroughly drunk in the process.  

But hold on just a second.  What if October 31 takes an unexpected bad turn and things start to happen that ruin your fun and merriment? Kind of puts a damper on everything; your partying, your Trick or Treating, your T-P-ing your neighbor's house and shrubbery... So just to  make sure you know all the warning signs of what may turn out to be a hollow holiday, here are the...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD HALLOWEEN

10.) You just found out this year's hit party game is “Boofing for Apples”

9.) You arrive at a party dressed as Donald Trump's tax returns. You leave the party stuffed in a paper shredder

8.) Barack and Michelle Obama arrive at your front door for your party and someone calls the police to report two black people breaking into your house

7.) You go to rent a costume and find the only three left are Brett Kavanaugh, Chuck Grassley, and Lindsey Graham in a feather tutu

6.) You just rang the doorbell at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. dressed as Jeff Sessions when you get a presidential alert on your cell phone that says “Go Away”

5.) You just learned you're the guest of honor at the Saudi consulate's pumpkin carving party

4.) You have to break up a fight between Eric and Donald Jr. who are arguing over which one of them should go out dressed as Hoda and which one as Kathie Lee

3.) You stop at Bill Cosby's house and see a sign on the door that says “SORRY, NOT HOME FOR THE NEXT 3 TO 10 HALLOWEENS”

2.) You booked Stormy Daniels to jump out out of a giant pumpkin at your party. What showed up was Sara Sanders climbing out of a septic tank

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE HAVING A BAD HALLOWEEN...

Megyn Kelly shows up at your front door in blackface

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                     "Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Quick, Take My Temperature! I've Got Lottery Fever!

Well, tonight should hopefully be a big night for someone --  and I'm not just referring to any fans of the Red Sox or the Dodgers.  I'm referring of course to  to the $1.6 Billion jackpot that the Mega Millions Lottery has shot up to; and just like we all dream of what we could do with those kinds of riches,  we also have to come back down to earth and face the reality of any of us ever winning such a prize. Because, since the odds of winning are are about 300 million to one (or roughly the equivalent of a New York city real estate mogul with no political experience being elected president -- but I digress), we should early on start looking for clues that today just isn't our lucky day. So in order to soften the pain of losing a little bit, I present the...

TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOU PROBABLY WON'T WIN THE LOTTERY

10.) Your brother-in-law who hasn't put in an honest day's work in over 20 years, suggests you go 50/50 with him on a ticket

9.) The line of people at your local convenience store waiting to buy tickets is longer than the line waiting to pass through security at LAX

8.) Everyone in your office pool kicks in a couple of bucks and the the money is turned over to the guy who's suspected of stealing lunches out of the fridge

7.) You just developed a new software program which will guarantee that you win when your cat walks across your keyboard and crashes your computer

6.) You had the Buffalo Bills' offensive coordinator pick your numbers for you

5.) You get an email from a Nigerian princess saying she has the winning numbers and will share them with you– all she needs is your banking information

4.) Your financial advisor convinces you to take the $500 you were going to spend on lottery tickets and use it to buy stock in Sears & Roebuck

3.) Just as you're about to pay for a ticket, you're struck by lightning

2.) You discover you have the winning numbers just as Donald Trump announces that he is voiding the results because ”millions of illegals are crossing the border to buy lottery tickets”

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN THAT YOU PROBABLY WON'T WIN THE LOTTERY...

You didn't bother to buy a ticket because nobody you know ever wins those damn things

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                     "Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon