What's In A Name? Apparently Plenty

Amidst all the chaos, confusion and civil unrest the year 2020 has brought us, we were at least hoping that maybe sports would be the great oasis where we could all relax, sit back and enjoy a little bit of what's become a big part of Americana. But alas, 'tis not to be. Besides most sports being canceled from the pros right down to the little leagues, other issues have once again brought to the forefront of our consciousness, and what once might have begun as an innocent nickname is now regarded as a derogatory slur against a specific ethnic group.

I'm referring of course to the argument over changing the name of the Washington Redskins.  Mind you, I'm all in favor of it if it no longer reflects the mindset of our country and the need to establish a society which is all-inclusive in every aspect. With that in mind, I've begun thinking that if the Redskins name should be dropped, then any new name attached to the team should probably reflect the lifestyle and culture of the movers and shakers in the nation's capital as we perceive it today. As a result, I decided to do some research, and after checking with one of my confidential sources (the guy who goes around picking up the towels in the locker rooms in Fedex Stadium after the game), I found out that there are a number of suggestions that are already starting to jump right to the top of the list of new names for the team.  And so, to give you a sneak preview, here are the...

TOP 10 NEW NAMES BEING CONSIDERED FOR THE WASHINGTON REDSKINS

10.) The Washington Lobbyists

9.) The Washington Grifters

8.) The Washington Subpoenas

7.) The Washington Pork Barrels

6.) The Washington Gerrymanders

5.) The Washington Orgies

4.) The Washington Filibusters

3.) The Washington Philanderers

2.) The Washington Covfefes

AND THE NUMBER ONE NEW NAME BEING CONSIDERED FOR THE WASHINGTON REDSKINS...

The Washington Faucis

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Happy St. Pandemic's Day

                                                      

Every year we like to take some time right in the middle of our Lenten period of sacrifice and piety to raise a little hell, and St. Patrick's Day is the perfect excuse for doing so.  But this year, of course, With the health crisis looming over us, in order to even observe the day at all, we obviously all have to adjust and prepare for the unexpected. With that precaution in mind, I thought it might be a good idea to point out some of the adjustments we may have to make or things to take into consideration when preparing for the wearing o' the green this year. And so, to try and help you to make it through the day tomorrow, I present...

TOP 10 THINGS THAT WILL AFFECT YOUR ST. PATRICK'S DAY OBSERVANCE

10.) That corned beef and cabbage you bought at the public market for your St. Patrick's Day dinner is suddenly starting to not look so good

9.) The only thing you've got left to wash your hands with is a bottle of Jameson's

8.) Turner Classic Movies just changed their St. Patrick's Day schedule from showing “The Quiet Man” to “Dead Man Walking”

7.) You've already started thinking “Easter eggs or no Easter eggs?”

6.) Your local St. Patrick's Day parade consists of a guy in a leprechaun suit driving down Main Street in a green Ford Pinto with the windows and doors sealed shut

5.) The Irish band you hired to perform shows up wearing hazmat suits

4.) You go to visit your local Irish priest, Father O'Dooley to ask for a blessing and he refuses to open the door unless you can prove you've been tested

3.) Your earworm Irish song for the day is “Who Put The Coronavirus In Mrs. Murphy's Chowder?”

2.) You turn on the TV just in time to see Jerry Springer doing a St. Paddy's Day special from a supermarket

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT WILL AFFECT YOUR ST. PATRICK'S DAY OBSERVANCE...

You just traded 12 cases of Guinness for a roll of toilet paper

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

Another Valentine's Day Shot (Right Through The Heart)

                                                     

 Well, here it is -- the one day of the year (maybe besides New Year's Eve) that those of the unattached demographic face with dread, if not downright terror. For while they absolutely know that everyone else is out having a good time, enjoying the companionship of someone close, and who knows, maybe even making a little whoopee, they're home reading their James Thurber or binge watching GAME OF THRONES for the 25th time.  

Ah, but is that how things really are?  If you were to look more closely at the situation, you might find that perhaps you're not missing out on such a good time after all; since like with any other shared experience you'd like to believe that everything would go perfectly on a night like this, in actuality there are any number of things that could happen to ruin that dream evening. And so, as a warning for both those of you who are longing to be out there partying -- and whoopeeing -- and those who actually are but may run into some unexpected obstacles, I present:

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD ST. VALENTINE'S DAY

10.) While you're having a romantic candlelight dinner with your valentine, they get a text message saying that they've tested positive for the coronavirus

9.) The escort service you called for a date for this evening turns out to be a police sting operation

8.) Your blind date for the night looks like Mitch McConnell – but you figure what the hell, I'll take her out anyway

7.) On the way to the restaurant, your Uber driver starts making romantic passes at you

6.) The couple at the next table invites the two of you to come over and dine with them on lobster, filet mignon and French champagne to celebrate the night – then leaves you with the check

5.) While you're on the romantic moonlit cruise you booked for the evening, the boat's captain hands you a bucket and tells you to start bailing

4.) Your date asks you if you've ever enjoyed a “Whitman's Sampler” – and you see nary a box of candy anywhere

3.) You ordered a dozen roses online to be sent to your sweetie – what gets delivered is a dozen pictures of Rosie O'Donnell

2.) You're all set to spend another nice quiet Valentine's evening alone when your mother calls and asks if you have a date for tonight

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE HAVING A BAD ST. VALENTINE'S DAY...

You just found out you're going to be part of Donald Trump's St. Valentine's Day Massacre

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon