"Class Reunion? -- Quick, Hand Me the Zoloft!"

Well, it's finally upon me -- my 50th year high school reunion.  Rush-Henrietta Senior High School, Henrietta, NY, Class of '69 (the first class to graduate from the new high

school in the district).  I received a notice about it a couple of months ago and was sitting  on the fence ever since about whether or not to attend.  

In the end I decided to go, but after wondering why it took me so long to make up my mind, I realized that anyone who goes to such an event (especially when you're so many years removed from your high school days)  really needs to have some compelling reasons for wanting to attend -- and after all, you can never experience too much angst (or require too much prescription medication) when going to one of these things.  So after thinking hard and long  (and hoping that some disgruntled ex-classmate doesn't end up putting out a hit on me) I deviated a bit from my usual Top 10 list and came up with  the following:

TOP 16 REASONS WHY PEOPLE SHOULD WANT TO ATTEND RUSH-HENRIETTA’S 50TH YEAR CLASS REUNION

16.) Good chance to compare joint replacement procedures

15.) Finally got clean and sober after 50 years and wanted to tell everyone about how great was the last place you remember being: Woodstock

14.) Wanted to check and see if anyone ever turned in that wallet you lost in 10th grade

13.) Determined to go even if it means running into your first wife -- as well as your second, third and fourth ones

12.) Still hoping to get credit for Driver’s Ed Class so you can take your road test

11.) You can tell everyone you’re working on your 15th Master’s degree -- you’re NEVER going to stop being a student!

10.) Can finally get revenge against the guy you sat next to in the Physics final whose test you copied and ended up with a “D”

9.) That BMW you’re paying $499 a month for ain’t impressing anyone just sitting in your driveway

8.) Wonder when you mention the name "Rush" how many people think you're referring to Limbaugh

7.) Want to see whose boobs have sunk lower than the foundation on your condo in Florida

6.) Can't believe it's been 50 years since the following three things happened: the moon landing, Nixon becoming president, and Rush-Henrietta officially getting rid of you

5.) Convinced you’ll be the hottest grandmother in the house -- whoops, no, that's just another late unexpected menopause flash

4.) Want to check and see if that special someone you had a secret crush on in high school is still the same sex

3.) Were hoping to see 300 classmates -- what you‘ll see is 600 chins

2.) You missed the 20th, 30th, and 40th reunions, and -- hey, wait, you already went to a 50th reunion -- what school is this again?

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY PEOPLE SHOULD WANT TO ATTEND RUSH HENRIETTA’S 50TH  YEAR CLASS REUNION…

Forget about a 60th reunion -- in another 10 years, climate change will have wiped us out as a species

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

My Country 'Tis Of Thee, Sweet Day Of Misery

Well, it's come around again -- the REAL start of summer. The day when we all stop to remember our country's heritage, history, struggle for independence -- and overindulgence in celebrating all that stuff.

However, among the many traditions we observe on this day, there are always a few quirks in the system that start to tell us that maybe this day is not going to go like the ideal 4th of July that we had been planning on enjoying this year; and so, in order to make you aware of some of the things beforehand that may indicate you probably should have stayed in bed until the 5th of July, I now present...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD 4TH OF JULY

10.) Those soyburgers you're buying to throw on the grill just had a a 25 percent tariff slapped on them

9.) That “rockets' red glare” from your neighbor's back yard has now become a four alarmer forcing everyone on the block to evacuate

8.) Only two groups showed up to march in your town's 4^th of July parade: the neo-Nazis and the Gay Pride Coalition

7.) You spent the whole afternoon in our nations's capital trying to avoid getting run over by tanks

6.) Judge Brett Kavanaugh turned down the invitation to your picnic, so you're hoping to God that P.J. and Squi show up with the beer

5.) The guy you were betting on to win the Nathan's Coney Island hot dog eating contest just threw it all up on your lap

4.) The revolutionary war reenactment you went to see ended with the colonists giving up

3.) The nearest body of water you can take the family to to enjoy the day is the Flint, Michigan reservoir

2.) After all the partying and celebrating, just as your about to get cozy with your special someone, your Roman candle fizzles out

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE HAVING A BAD 4TH OF JULY

Those aren't fireworks exploding overhead, they're North Korean ICBMs