OK, for starters, a word of full disclosure: I do a pretty good job of cooking a turkey on Thanksgiving.(see the pic at right of 2017's achievement). But at one time when I was first trying it on my own, I'd usually end up with something that left me running to the local grocer for a Swift's Premium turkey roll. However, by trial and error, I got better and also picked up a few tricks and short cuts along the way.
However, there are situations these days where some of you may not be so fortunate to have an expert preparer, and for whatever reason -- necessity, convenience, or just plain ego -- the task of cooking this year's meal has fallen into the lap of someone -- and usually it's a guy -- who probably thinks turkeys are packed in mesh netting to keep them from escaping, but what the hell, he's watched Rachael Ray do it a couple of times so it can't be that hard -- and yet for better or worse, the task of cooking the most important meal of the year by him leaves us all with a feeling of dread, trepidation and potential food poisoning.
How can you tell he doesn't know what he's doing? Well, it should soon become pretty apparent -- but just in case you're not sure, I've put together a list of:
TOP 10 SIGNS AN INEXPERIENCED MAN IS COOKING YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER
10.) The gravy tastes like beer
9.) Every five minutes you hear an explosion coming from the kitchen
8.) The stuffing consists of stale raisin bread, Rice-A-Roni, dry mashed potato mix, dog biscuits, beef jerky, frozen lima beans and something unidentifiable that's been in the refrigerator for months
7.) That stainless steel roasting pan you paid $100 for just to cook a turkey in he's using as a tub for all the dirty cooking utensils
6.) Times the meal so that he can serve it during the 7 1/2 minute break between the end of Lions' game and the start of the Cowboys'
5.) The directions say to use a dry rub on the turkey so he covers it with talcum powder
4.) You keep finding pieces of raw giblets in the candied yams
3.) After he makes 30 phone calls to them in the last two hours from your home phone, the 1-800-BUTTERBALL hotline permanently blocks your number
2,) He feebly tries to justify the bird coming out of the oven that's nearly burned to a crisp by saying “I thought everyone agreed that black turkeys matter”
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN AN INEXPERIENCED MAN IS COOKING YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER...
He tells the family “Hey guys, let's go to Denny's for Thanksgiving!”
