Hello, Halloween

Well, it's almost here. The favorite night of the year for ghosts, goblins, and pediatric dentists who make a killing every November filling Halloween candy-induced cavities.

But for the rest of us, as we grow into adulthood, we have to find ways to make October 31 actually meaningful in some way, as if we were trying to reach out and grab onto a piece of our fast disappearing childhood -- and believe me, as you cross into your 60's  that grip can become pretty weak.  And so we try to do things that will bring us back to those forgotten days of our youth.  We  put "It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!" on endless loop repeat on our DVRs, we go to scary amusement attractions -- or if we have no other option,  we actually go to a party dressed up in a costume that we wouldn't have been caught dead in when we were young.

And so it goes, but of course, the whole point of doing all this is to try and enjoy ourselves. However,  there should be a few clues here and there to tell you when things probably aren't going to go as you had hoped in terms of  your efforts to have a good time. so to help you sort those things out, I thought I'd give you a few indicators with my...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD HALLOWEEN

10.) Billy Bush offers to take you out Trick or Treating in his pimped-out touring coach

9.) Chris Christie shows up at your door for the fifth time tonight and you finally give him the whole bowl of candy just to get rid of him

8.) The thought of Matt Lauer dressed up as a woman on Halloween again this year is starting to get you uncomfortably aroused

7.) You go to a house dressed as as Bernie Sanders and a Republican answers the door and tells you “You want candy? Work for it!”

6.) That big glass of apple cider you're drinking turns out to be Flint, Michigan tap water

5.) Instead of your house being pelted with eggs, it's being pelted with campaign fliers

4.) The young girl who shows up at your door coughing and wheezing and wearing a pantsuit tells you that this year she decided to go out as Hillary Clinton

3.) What you thought was werewolves howling at the moon turns out to be your next door neighbors getting it on in their hot tub

2.) You turn on the TV to watch your favorite Halloween special and you see something even scarier: Rudy Giuliani

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE HAVING A BAD HALLOWEEN...

Your Jack'o'Lantern just sprouted a mane of unruly hair and keeps shouting “And we're gonna build a wall!”

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon

The Phone Just Never Rang...

Well, now that all the suspense over who Donald Trump was going to pick as his vice presidential running mate is over, just so you don't get too excited about the choice, I thought it might be good to take a look at the context in which it was made.

Oh, sure, there were the usual suspects: the Newt Gingriches, the Chris Christies, and maybe even some long shots like Sarah Palin and that African American guy that he pointed out who showed up to one of his rallies.

But in all honesty, there was an even deeper list of people under consideration; people who were hoping -- yes, even praying-- that they'd get that one important call  letting them know that he or she was the Donald's choice -- and in doing so, he'd quite probably not only make a huge change in their lives but would also turn their fortunes around for the better.

So, without  going into further details, here's who I found out were the top 10 people who were sadly disappointed not to get that phone call and hear the news that they were to be named Donald Trump's running mate:

10)

9)

8)

7)

6)

5)

4)

3)

2)

And the number one person who was disappointed not to be picked as Donald Trump's running mate...

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  

-- Thomas Pynchon

Email Dysfunction

Ah, yes, spring is in the air -- when a young man's fancy turns to love and innocent romance!

Well, not really, but that's what the manufacturers of erectile dysfunction remedies would want you to believe, and it's also a good excuse and  strategic marketing ploy for them to start sending out  all those disgusting spam emails to tout their products which show up in your inbox; and lately, I've noticed that I've been getting more than the usual amount of these types of thing --  a "surge" if you will (no pun intended) which I'm not exactly shouting "Yahoo!" about.

What can you do about them? Well you can simply delete them,  or mark them as spam and delete them (or if you're Hillary Clinton, forward the E-D ones on to Bill -- as opposed to the emails you've already labeled "CLASSIFIED" and deleted), and hopefully they won't be a bother.

But the best remedy (no pun intended) is a preemptive one, to recognize them when they first show up. They usually are coming from email addresses with catchy double entendre names, so they shouldn't be all that difficult to spot.  However, just in case you don't have the time to try and track all of them (or don't know what double entendre means), let me help you with...

THE TOP TEN NAMES YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE SHOW UP IN YOUR EMAIL INBOX

10) DICK FULLER

9) WALLY BIGGERSTAFF

8) ROD SPRINGER

7) MAX PETERS

6) MAJOR JOHNSON

5) MILES O'TOOLE

4) B. HARDIN LONG

3) HUGH JORGAN

2) KIM DONG HUNG

AND THE NUMBER ONE NAME YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE SHOW UP IN YOUR EMAIL INBOX...

SEYMOUR WOODCOCK, JR

Hopefully, that should clean up your email -- well, at least until Valentine's Day.

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  

-- Thomas Pynchon

The (Un)Luck Of The Irish

Well, tonight's the one other night during the year when everyone gets to rationalize their own outrageous behavior to the rest of the world, with perhaps the possible exception of  a local magistrate.  I'm referring of course, to acting the way everyone believes an honest to good Irishman would behave on St. Patrick's Day. But then again, just like on New Year's Eve, there's always the chance that you end up at a party that turns out to be worse than binge watching a season of  KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS. So just to give you a few guidelines, I'm offering:

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD ST. PATRICK'S DAY PARTY

10) Mitch McConnell refuses to let the bartender you hired in the door

9) Everyone there is miserable since they've already been knocked out of their NCAA bracket pool

8)That stuff you're drinking that you thought was Guinness  turns out to be water from the Flint, Michigan reservoir

7) You've got strings of beads left over from Mardi Gras you want to give away but the only thing anyone is flashing at you is their butt

6) Every time you say the word “Shillelagh” someone accuses you of being a Muslim terrorist

5) You get stuck sitting at a table with Sister Mary Margaret, Sister Mary Bridget and Sister Mary Rose, and Sister Mary Rose has already hit you up for $150 in poker

 

4) Marco Rubio is going around shaking hands with everyone and saying "How you doing? I'm Mark O'Rubio"

 

3) Turns out the party you're at is all vegan – good luck choking down that corned tofu and cabbage

2) You'd rather be at home watching Ben Carson try to explain why he's endorsing Donald Trump

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE AT A BAD ST. PATRICK'S DAY PARTY...

The band keeps playing "When ISIS Eyes Are Smiling"

 

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

 

  

-- Thomas Pynchon

 

 

Happy New Year! At Least You're Not Spending It With The Kardashians

Well, it's here again.  The one night out of the year when all social proprieties and courtesies seem to go out the window, leaving us terrified as to what consequences will result.  I'm referring of course, to the custom of attending the obligatory New Year's Eve party. And if it seems like hardly any time at all has passed since you barely dragged yourself home in a drunken stupor from wherever it was you ended up last year (minus your cell phone, your wallet, your car keys and several articles of clothing), you're quaking at the thought that once again Karma is ready to catch up with you this coming Thursday night.

But like every past year's parties, this year's festivities will probably end up being shaped and influenced by what went on during the course of the last 12 months, which means that it should be fairly easy to realize when  the party you've gone to turns out to be a real dog.  But just in case your radar isn't up, let me render the service of showing you the ...

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY

10) John Boehner hasn't touched a drop of liquor all night

9) You show up at the club you had reservations at with your same sex partner to find out that the bouncer at the front entrance is Kim Davis

8) Hillary Clinton was supposed to be at your party – but she apparently deleted your invitation

7) You're stuck in a corner with Ben Carson who's trying to explain something to you – who's trying to explain ANYTHING to you

6) Tom Brady keeps going around and squeezing all the party balloons to see if they're properly inflated

5) Hoda and Kathie Lee haven't touched a drop of liquor all night

4) You realize that you'd really rather be home watching to see how many different shades of red Kathy Griffin can make Anderson Cooper's face turn

3) The only other two people who show up are Charlie Sheen and his doctor

2) Caitlyn Jenner is crying on your shoulder and lamenting that after six months of trying to squeeze into tight evening gowns and Spanx, she wants to go back to being Bruce

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN THAT YOU'RE AT A BAD NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY...

You're at the same party with Donald Trump and thousands of cheering Muslims



Happy New Year, everyone!

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  

-- Thomas Pynchon

A Revisionist Charlie Brown Christmas

I figured that after 50 years, it was time to update one of our favorite TV Christmas specials, to reflect the times we live in. And so, without any reservations (or any sense of shame), I present the key scene from A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS...

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INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM - NIGHT

CHARLIE BROWN AND LINUS STAND TOGETHER ON THE STAGE.

CHARLIE BROWN: Isn't there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?

LINUS: Sure, Charlie Brown. I can tell you what Christmas is all about.

LINUS CROSSES TO THE CENTER OF THE STAGE.

LINUS: Lights, please... And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field keeping watch over their flock by night, and because they were of Arabic descent and were suspected of being members of ISIS (or at least ISIS sympathizers), lo, a squadron of F-16s came upon their strategic positions and blew them to pieces.

CHARLIE BROWN (AGHAST): Aaaaagh!

LINUS: And their wives and families had no place to flee to since none of the innkeepers would let them in.

CHARLIE BROWN STARTS HYPERVENTILATING.

LINUS: Now when Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judea, behold, there came wise men from the east, the east being Iran. And since they were wise men, it was figured that they were wise enough to be capable of developing a nuclear weapon. So the F-16s took them out too.

CHARLIE BROWN STARTS CHOKING AND TURNING PURPLE.

LINUS: That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown... Oh, and by the way, get rid of that crappy tree.

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  

-- Thomas Pynchon

Holiday Cyber Shopping? Thanks, I'll Pass

Last week I wrote about how my reaction to going out and performing my gift-buying duties generally stirs up some creative juices in me and gets me writing about such things. But as I thought it over, I realized the fear of actually heading out  to real stores and purchasing something is far less in my mind than the horror of going online and divulging all your personal info to complete strangers so someone in Mountain View, CA (or maybe India -- or the Philippines) can end up having a good laugh at your expense knowing you're buying Grandma a new commode with a padded toilet seat for Christmas.

And while I know that it supposed to save us all hours of running around from one mall to another, exhausting our energy and emptying our wallets and gas tanks in less time than it takes Donald Trump to insult a half dozen ethnicities,  once you think about it, cyber shopping presents a whole new set of hazards and issues to deal with which should put you off from even touching the keyboard on your iPad 6. And as a result, if you're anything like me, you'll probably wait until 5:50 pm on Dec. 24 to start your trek, anxiously plotting out a route on your GPS,  knowing your family will be OK with the usual assortment of thoughtful gifts that they'll find beneath the tree the next morning which you've so carefully and discriminatingly
selected at the only gas station/minimart you could find that's still open: lottery scratch-off tickets, bags of stale beef jerky and Cheetos, and a half empty 12-pack of Coors Light.

On the other hand, for those of you who dare take that step into cyberspace to accomplish your task, you might want to watch out for these pitfalls:

TOP 10 REASONS TO AVOID HOLIDAY CYBER SHOPPING

10.) You start cybershopping in your underwear, and a message pops up on your screen that says "I can see you shopping in your underwear"

9.) The Amazon drone keeps dropping your packages on your roof

8.) You ordered a 46" flatscreen Hi Def TV with Digital Surround Sound and 3D Picture. What shows up at your door is a 26" Schwinn 3-speed with a broken chain and no seat

7.) You think you got the deal of a lifetime by saving $200 on a final sale laptop only to find out that it'll be $100 less on December 26

6.) The Amazon drone keeps dropping your packages on your neighbor's roof

5.) After the website you're trying to order from has crashed for the eighth time in 10 minutes you call their 800 number to hear: "Thank you for calling our customer service hotline. Your time is valuable to us. Please stay on the line and a customer service rep will assist you as soon as possible.  The current estimated waiting time is two and a half days."

4.) Turns out that auction site that you were buying all your stuff from is run by the Russians

3.) The Amazon drone keeps dropping your packages in your neighbor's swimming pool 

2.) That annoying kid down the street who keeps hacking into your WiFi is threatening you with blackmail because he knows about the sex toys you ordered

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON TO AVOID HOLIDAY CYBERSHOPPING...

Every time a shopping mall cash register bell rings, another Victoria's Secret Angel gets her wings


Happy Virtual Holidays, Everyone!

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

  

-- Thomas Pynchon