Reflecting as we come to the end of 2010...
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I think as a change of pace this year, facing the prospect of a hip replacement in the near future, instead of going out this Friday night, I thought I'd just stay home and watch "The Larry King Prune Juice and Lipitor New Year's Eve Party", during which Larry asks each female guest who appears: "Was I ever married to you?"... Program note: The show actually ends at 10:30 pm when Larry unsnaps his suspenders, takes off his support hose and goes to bed...
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I met Charles Dickens' great-great grandson, Gerald Charles Dickens a few weeks ago at a local mall here in Rochester. He is an actor who gives performances and readings of his famous ancestor's works (and I guess every now and then, just to confuse the audience, he'll sing the death scene from Puccini's "Tosca"... -- just kidding) and was in town to perform at a local theater here. The mall appearance was to promote the performance and also help sell a line of Christmas decorations being offered by a Hallmark store located in the mall. I can imagine the marketing/promotional tie-in that must cripple all his performances: "And so, as Tiny Tim observed, 'God bless us everyone -- with a Keepsake Ornament from Hallmark!'"...
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From the minutes of the local Adult ADD support group: "As per usual, the meeting convened at 7:30 and adjourned at 7:31"....
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Watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade is always fun... I'm just waiting for the year that they decide to inflate Willard Scott and turn him into a balloon.... I can see all those Macy's volunteers, straining at the guy wires to pull him him down Broadway while he's up there about four stories high yelling "With a name like Smucker's, it's got to be -- oh, shit, I just hit a light pole!" ... And with a loud gaseous exhaust of helium, he plummets to earth, landing right on top of the NBC reporters' stand, inflicting mass destruction and carnage, and leading to a new opening sequence the on the network the following morning: "This is the TODAY show, with NBC News senior correspondents, Kathie Lee and Hoda".... Yeah, I think that would be fun to watch...
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Poor Lindsay Lohan's screwed herself up again... I swear, that young lady has tiptoed through so many 12-step programs that now she shows up for rehab wearing ballet slippers....
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Ever watch the news programs on the Spanish network channels?... Without exception, the female anchors and reporters are all wearing outfits that make them look like they work for Elliot Spitzer's escort service -- or for Fox News... I don't know all that much Spanish, but I know that Hispanic television does tend to place a lot of value on female physical attributes, and I just can't help but think that if I could translate it, these women would all be starting each evening's broadcast with "My heaving breasts, full hips and glistening thighs are fairly exploding out of my Size 2 dress... Here are the headlines..."
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TOP TEN REASONS WHY AL AND TIPPER GORE SPLIT UP
10) She got fed up with him telling her to recycle the hair he leaves in the sink
9) They each decided to adopt a poor tropical island to save from climate change -- she picked Haiti, he picked Aruba
8) Maybe he did invent the Internet -- so why can’t he fix the damn toaster?
7) He started listening to marriage advice from Bill Clinton
6) These days his kisses are less tongue and more nose
5) She just never forgave him for blowing that 2000 Presidential thing
4) The house he bought in Montecito has a one-car garage -- Hey, Tipper, get the hint?
3) Since he gained weight, she’s tired of people stopping her in the store and asking “So, are you still married to Lard-Ass?”
2) Global warming stops at the bedroom door
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY AL AND TIPPER GORE SPLIT UP…
His new documentary film: “An Inconvenient Marriage”
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You've no doubt heard I'm sure of the pasta product from Betty Crocker called "Suddenly Salad".... Can you imagine being the poor schmuck who came up with the concept of "Probably Salad"?... Odds are there's a good chance that person will spend the rest of his or her life sadly thinking "Damn! -- And I was THAT close to success!"...
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Letter received at a particular corporation from a particular celebrity:
"May, 2010
"Dear British Petroleum,
"It is with a certain degree of concern and trepidation that I am writing you to report that recently, for some strange and mysterious reason, the value of my shares in your company have experienced a sudden, drastic and inexplicable decline.
"I wonder if you could please look into this and get back to me? Thank you.
"Respectfully Yours,
"Elizabeth II, HRM
"p.s. Charles and Camilla send their regards."
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Was watching the HLN cable news show MORNING EXPRESS the other morning when the host, Robin Meade was on, who was, as she always seems to be every morning, so bright and perky and perfectly made up, and started thinking to myself that just one morning, I'd like to see her go on air looking like she had a hangover... Her hair would be tousled and disheveled, her blouse would be on inside-out, her mascara would be running, her lipstick would be on crooked and she'd be wearing only one huge dangling earring that resembled a disco ball -- and it kept sliding off her ear lobe and plopping into her coffee... She'd start off the show with the question "Does anyone know where I was last night?... If you do, please call, I-M or tweet me... I'd like to find out where I left my car keys... And my phone... And my purse... And my shoes... [looking down at her blouse] And my bra! -- EEK!!!"... And the first time they went to a commercial break, (although I know she's on HLN, not the sister network) I could imagine the voice of James Earl Jones resonantly intoning "This is C-N -- Holy shit! What the hell happened to YOU?!!"...
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Finally...
A joke I wrote and sent to Yakov Smirnoff a few years back that I thought was ideal for his shtick -- and for this time of year... He didn't like it...
People ask me how did we observe the New Year's holiday in the Soviet Union, and I tell them that actually, in both America and in the Soviet Union, we would always celebrate it pretty much the same way. In America on New Year's Eve, everyone will go to Times Square and celebrate "Happy New Year!".... In the Soviet Union, everyone would go to Red Square -- and celebrate "Happy 1984!"
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A Happy New Year to you all who've taken the time to read my blog this year - - your time, thoughts and comments are really appreciated -- and Best Wishes for a Fantastic 2011!
tq
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