Well, now that we've all had a chance to digest our Thanksgiving meal (at least most of it) and wasted all our energy over the weekend trying to grab one of those $2 waffle makers from Walmart without being pepper-sprayed, it's time to wonder what other horrors lie ahead for us during the rest of the Christmas shopping season.
But instead of just attempting to spell it out for you in all its naked unadulterated gruesomeness, thought I'd do it in a manner that keeps to the spirit of the holiday; so if you don't mind, here is my own special Christmas song...
Carol Of the Bills
(sung to the tune of "Carol Of the Bells")
(verse the first)
Ding... Dong!... Ding... Dong!...
Ding... Dong!... Ding... Dong!...
Now that the Christmas season is here
Finish your shopping, be of good cheer.
All the stores were open at 12 A.M.
You walked in to spend all that you can.
Thought I could save running all around,
Only to find my Internet is down.
Thought I could save running all around,
Only to find my Internet is down.
Dozens of those, armfuls of these.
Just make damn sure they're not Chinese.
Use whatever payment method is best,
MasterCard, Discover, American Express.
I-Phone for Susie, Xbox for Timmy.
All you ever hear is "Gimme, gimme, gimme!"
"Gimme, gimme, gimme that for Christmas!"
"Gimme, gimme, gimme that for Christmas!"
Here come the bills, now I have to pay.
They couldn't wait 'til after Christmas day.
I've had it up -- to about here.
Already dreading Christmas next year.
Ding dong ding... dong...
(verse the second)
Ding... Dong!... Ding... Dong!...
Ding... Dong!... Ding... Dong!...
Now comes the fun, wrapping all of it.
Just cut my finger, bleeding won't quit.
Don't think I'll finish, I'm very tired.
Just read the words "ASSEMBLY REQUIRED."
Late Christmas Eve, I'm in a fog.
Oh, just remembered! Nothing for the dog!
No stores are open -- I'm in a mess.
Wait just a moment, there's a CVS!
They're about to close. Make a mad dash!
Eighty dollar chew toy, I'm all out of cash.
By 10 A.M. it'll be in pieces.
Oh, what the hell, put it on the Visa.
Put it, put it, put it on the Visa.
Put it, put it, put it on the Visa.
Christmas has left me deep in the hole
I'd rather be at the South Pole.
I'm tired of being Santa's chief elf.
Think I'll just go buy something for my own damn self.
Ding dong, ding...
"I'm sorry sir, your card has been declined. But have a Happy Christmas anyway!"
Happy holiday shopping, everyone!
Happy holiday shopping, everyone!
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