Monday, March 16, 2020

Happy St. Pandemic's Day

                                                      

Every year we like to take some time right in the middle of our Lenten period of sacrifice and piety to raise a little hell, and St. Patrick's Day is the perfect excuse for doing so.  But this year, of course, With the health crisis looming over us, in order to even observe the day at all, we obviously all have to adjust and prepare for the unexpected. With that precaution in mind, I thought it might be a good idea to point out some of the adjustments we may have to make or things to take into consideration when preparing for the wearing o' the green this year. And so, to try and help you to make it through the day tomorrow, I present...

TOP 10 THINGS THAT WILL AFFECT YOUR ST. PATRICK'S DAY OBSERVANCE

10.) That corned beef and cabbage you bought at the public market for your St. Patrick's Day dinner is suddenly starting to not look so good

9.) The only thing you've got left to wash your hands with is a bottle of Jameson's

8.) Turner Classic Movies just changed their St. Patrick's Day schedule from showing “The Quiet Man” to “Dead Man Walking”

7.) You've already started thinking “Easter eggs or no Easter eggs?”

6.) Your local St. Patrick's Day parade consists of a guy in a leprechaun suit driving down Main Street in a green Ford Pinto with the windows and doors sealed shut

5.) The Irish band you hired to perform shows up wearing hazmat suits

4.) You go to visit your local Irish priest, Father O'Dooley to ask for a blessing and he refuses to open the door unless you can prove you've been tested

3.) Your earworm Irish song for the day is “Who Put The Coronavirus In Mrs. Murphy's Chowder?”

2.) You turn on the TV just in time to see Jerry Springer doing a St. Paddy's Day special from a supermarket

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT WILL AFFECT YOUR ST. PATRICK'S DAY OBSERVANCE...

You just traded 12 cases of Guinness for a roll of toilet paper


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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."


-- Thomas Pynchon





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