Thursday, December 20, 2018

"Dear Santa Claus, This Is The Best Letter You'll Ever Receive"


Yes friends, just like Chris Cuomo, I hold in my possession what could certainly be the "smocking" gun in the Trump investigation -- or at least the thing that will  keep St. Nick from paying  him a visit ever again.  But since presidents also have needs, let's offer a little sympathy to Donald Trump since he believes he  really tried hard this year in the hopes that Santa will be coming down one of the 12 chimneys and not be scared to death by one of Sarah Sanders' "I'm talking to YOU, Jim Acosta" facial expressions; and so, I present to you Donald's letter to Santa...


Dec. 20, 2 A.T. (Anno Trump)
3:45 am


Dear Santa,

I wanted to send you my Christmas letter before – well, before I can't use the White House postal service any longer. Just wanted to let you know that I've been an especially good president this year, really almost perfect – in fact people are coming up to me and telling me that I'm the most perfect president in history! (Besides, I don't want to keep being haunted by the ghosts of Christmas Future: Pelosi, Schumer and you-know-who.) Some of the good things I've done this year:

  • Helped some struggling actresses in a certain segment of the film industry by paying them to keep quiet about me paying them;
  • Restricted my tweeting to the hours between 6:00 am and the following 6:00 am;
  • Stopped calling Lying Ted Cruz Lying Ted Cruz;

And many, many other things. So I hope you'll take that all into consideration. And by the way, as far as I'm concerned, you can skip stopping at those sh**hole countries in Africa, and South America. You'll be able to deliver my stuff sooner. (And while you're at it, you may as well skip Canada and Europe too.)

Therefore here is a list of what I want for Christmas:

1.Someone joining my administration for longer than six months, or until they're indicted, whichever comes first

2.My own private island in the Caribbean, (just in case that for some reason I may have to leave in a hurry)

3.A year's supply of McDonald's Quarter Pounders with cheese, because at McDonald's, they do it all for you (just like those Russian hookers)

4. A year's supply of Kentucky Fried Chicken, because it's finger lickin' good (just like those Russian hookers)

5.A new personality for my son Eric --- and while you're at it, you might as well throw one in for Mike Pence too -- he's more boring than being in a Moscow hotel room on a Sunday night)

6. A new brain for Rudy Giuliani – to keep him from sinking me deeper in doodoo every time he opens his mouth

7.And finally, I wouldn't mind so badly if you had a couple of your reindeer do a tap dance on Robert Mueller's chest, just to make sure he gets the message.
So in closing, Santa, I just want to say that I think we can come to some sort of arrangement on all this since I know better than anyone else in the world how to make a deal – and because if we don't, I can always slap a big fat tariff on that bag of toys, or better yet, build a wall around the North Pole – and have the elves pay for it (because the Mexicans probably won't).

Regards,


Donald J. Trump, President (of the USA -- MAGA)

PS. And just in case you decide to leave coal in my stocking instead of a porn star, make sure it's clean coal

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                     "Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."


-- Thomas Pynchon


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