All right, as if we don’t have enough to worry about these days with rampant unemployment, international terrorism and Peewee Herman having his own show on Broadway, now we’ve got a new issue to fret over -- whether or not the recently announced engagement between HRH Prince William and his beloved Kate Middleton will survive into marriage and beyond, or end up the same way as Prince Charles and Prince Andrew’s marriages -- namely, like Custer at Little Big Horn…
Yes, friends, on Monday, William, the dashing, handsome young heir to the British throne who, while growing into a young man has given so much attention and strict adherence to British royal pomp, tradition and protocol, announced that he is getting married to the comely young lass with whom he’s been shacking up the last two years.
Well, I for one extend my best wishes for a long and happy relationship for the young prince and his betrothed, considering the royal family's track record as of late… Hopefully, their marriage will get off to a better start than Charles’ and Diana’s did, which evidently went badly right from the beginning when, on their wedding night, Diana asked Charles if she might be allowed to (ahem) “privily inspect the ‘Royal Jewels’”… To which the prince replied “Certainly, my love” -- and then he tossed her his cufflinks… Hopefully also, Charles will be keeping any marriage advice to his son to a bare minimum... If he doesn't, then we could probably otherwise expect that sometime in the next 20 years, William will have divorced Kate and married Susan Boyle...
One wonders where all this leaves younger brother Harry, who, perhaps as the sibling who feels somewhat neglected in the midst of so much hoopla, and in a bid for some publicity of his own, is going to do something to try and top Big Bro’s announcement… Let’s see -- he’s already done the Nazi uniform thing (apparently he too was running for Congress in Ohio), so that’s probably out… Gee, maybe if he works it right he’ll get busted for pot, or arrested for peeing in one of Buckingham Palace’s prize flower beds after a wild all night drunken binge with Keith Richards -- or Snooki… Or perhaps he’ll go on Dr. Phil and tell him how people made fun of him as a kid because his ears were the same size as his father’s -- and those were just people in his own family -- including his father… If it's possible to be part of a royal dynasty and still have an inferiority complex, Harry's probably the world's number one candidate... Go ahead, Britain -- you can begin paying for his therapy startinnnng -- Now!
Speaking of publicity, at some point, I’m almost positive that a movie will be made about Will’s and Kate’s love affair, naturally starring Lindsay Lohan and Leonardo Di Caprio … Assuming, of course, that Lindsay’s available on weekends due to good behavior… And if you’re wondering about the logic of the casting, well, we know that at least Lindsay can handle doing a British accent, whereas with Leo, Prince William will probably come off sounding like Elmer Fudd doing Harry Potter… Not sure there will be any onscreen chemistry between the two of them, but it still should be a hoot to see how Kate looks wearing an alcohol monitor bracelet strapped to her ankle and totaling William’s Range Rover every other week… But hopefully, the project will be saved when, in a casting coup, grumpy old Prince Charles ends up being played by grumpy old Ed Asner…
Of course, any discussion about a royal marriage has to include some questions about succession to the throne, and it seems that William and Kate have already thoroughly thought this issue through. In an interview this morning with William and Kate following the big announcement, one correspondent asked them if once the nuptials were completed, the royal couple planned on starting a family…”Absolutely, we‘d like to produce an heir to the throne,” William replied. “And we most definitely expect our first-born son will someday become king -- in about 150 years when Grand-Mum Elizabeth dies…”
In the end though, I'm sure all of Britain is awaiting this special event with eager anticipation, and in my head, I can already hear the chimes of the great British cathedrals tolling out the joyous news... Let's just hope that on their wedding day, we don't hear them ringing out "I slept with your sister, say the bells of Westminster"...
No comments:
Post a Comment