Holiday TV Movies You’ll Be Glad You Missed

Well, 'tis the season again… You’re asking “You mean the time for family, friends, turkeys, trees, lights, glitter and gifts?”… No, actually I’m referring to the season with all those really bad made for TV holiday movies.

Actually, I had the good fortune of being in one that was a cut above the rest a few years ago, “The Christmas Wish,” starring Debbie Reynolds, Neil Patrick Harris and Naomi Watts. But by and large, the majority of holiday filler movies that will grace our cable channels for the next month have an entertainment quotient that’s pretty much just about on a par with watching snow melt. -- For starters, see how any times you hear some character say “You just have to believe!“ throughout the course of one day’s worth of these turkeys.

Having said that, I’d like to share a few with you I discovered that were so bad they had absolutely no chance of ever making it on air:

ABC FAMILY: Santa Claus fears that he may have to cancel Christmas this year when his number one elf loses the dry-cleaning claim check for part of the jolly old man’s regular Christmas Eve ensemble. In a fun-loving special that’s destined to become a holiday classic for the whole family, Ed Asner, Caroline Rhea, Stephen Tobolowsky and David Spade star in “Where’s Santa’s Pants?”

LIFETIME: After her pregnancy test results turn up positive on Christmas Eve, a young professional single female decides that she had made one too many trips to the wassail bowl at her condo association’s annual holiday get-together, where she hooked up with a mysterious stranger who, even indoors, wore sunglasses and never looked directly at her when he spoke. Catherine Heigl, Leah Rimini, Stephen Tobolowsky and David Caruso headline the cast of “Nogged Up.”

DISNEY: A teen pop star who has become jaded by the holidays finds new meaning in the season when a fan letter from a guy who has never had a date persuades her to make a special trip on Christmas Eve, where she fulfills his Christmas wish list and starts to believe in the holiday once again.  Miley Cyrus, Stephen Tobolowsky and Angus T. Jones star in “I’m Getting Hannah Montana for Christmas.” (Hey, she’s 18 now -- she can do stuff like this!)

MSNBC: In a departure from its regular news programming, the network offers a charming animated holiday special for the whole family, featuring the beloved characters of Dr. Seuss, and based on this year’s election results: “How The Grinch Stole Congress.”

ION: An up and coming young starlet just can’t seem to get her life together due to too much booze, drugs and endless partying, until a volunteer Santa visits her and gives her something that holds the secret to a happy holiday. George Lopez, Sherri Shepherd, Stephen Tobolowsky and Lindsay Lohan star in “The Gift of The Ankle Monitor.”

HALLMARK CHANNEL: When a mysterious angel from Heaven leaves an unusual set of ornaments on the front door of a lonely young widower on Christmas Eve, he finds a whole new dimension added to the joy of the season. Featuring Ernest Borgnine, Faith Ford, Brad Garrett and Stephen Tobolowsky, this warm holiday story stars Charlie Sheen and Pamela Anderson in “The Magic Christmas Knockers.”

SHOWTIME: The matron of a proud Jewish family who decides for the sake of its heritage to pen her memoirs about holidays past, spends the next 20 years doing so, and in the process finds a reason for making everyone feel guilty every time another remembrance comes to mind. In an epic eight-part mini-series produced and directed by Stephen Spielberg, and starring Lainie Kazan, Judd Hirsch, Alan Arkin, Linda Lavin, Jeff Goldblum, Stephen Tobolowsky, Debra Messing, Ben Stiller, Jerry Stiller, and Ann Meara as the neighborly Gentile widow next door, SHOWTIME proudly presents “Annika’s Hanukkah Chronicles.”

ANIMAL PLANET:  In yet another example of a cable network deviating from its normal programming due to the time of year, Animal Planet presents a warm, touching story about how even our friends in the insect world seem to recognize the true meaning of the season. Based on a short story by O. Henry,  Fred Willard, Eva Marie Saint, Stephen Tobolowsky, Ian Ziering, Melissa Joan Hart and Jack Hanna star in "The Gift Of The Maggot."

CARTOON NETWORK: “Rudolph and Hermy’s Lost Christmas Weekend” -- In this new Rankin-Bass Animagic production, the world’s most famous reindeer discovers that his nose isn’t the only body part he can get to light up when, after nearly half a century of catering to the kiddie crowd, Rudolph and his wide-eyed diminutive sidekick decide to sow some wild oats. First Stop: The Island of Misfit Women.

BET:  An African-American family's plans to liven up the holidays by renting the Staples Center for a family get-together run into some unexpected complications when it's discovered that the arena's management inadvertently double-booked the place, and the festivities keep being interrrupted by a Clippers' game.  Damon Wayans,  Vanessa Williams, Gabrielle Union, and Stephen Tobolowsky star in this lovable tale for all cultures and ethnicities, "One Kwazy Kwanzaa!"

And finally...

USA NETWORK: A man comes down with food poisoning after gorging himself on the shrimp cocktail appetizers at the office Christmas party, then spends the rest of the holidays confined to the bathroom as the price of his gluttony and wishing the whole time that he could maybe just go sleep it off away in a manger somewhere. Jeff Daniels, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Stephen Tobolowsky and Larry the Cable Guy star in the heart-warming (and heartburn-inducing) holiday feature, “I'm Dreaming Of A White Porcelain Christmas.”