With apologies to David Letterman (or maybe not, I doubt if he'd apologize to me for anything), I hereby present:
TOP 10 SIGNS YOU’RE HAVING A BAD HOLIDAY SHOPPING SEASON
10) Department store Santa Claus keeps following you around making lewd and obscene suggestions
9) Not even five years of running in the New York City Marathon prepared you for the mass of humanity trying to shove its way through the front door for that $19 laptop
8) Only one flat-screen TV left and three people want it: you, another customer and the store manager’s brother-in-law
7) The only place where you can still find Zhu Zhu Pets is down a dark alley where you have to knock on the door three times and ask for someone named "Louie"
6) Your husband tells you "Oh by the way, don't get me one of those (fill in the blank)" right after you've bought him one of those (fill in the blank)
5) Artificial tree you just bought is infested with bed bugs
4) Guy ringing the bell by the kettle outside the store looks suspiciously like the guy that mugged you last Christmas shopping season
3) You’ve run out of money, so you end up bartering your youngest child in exchange for a gift for Aunt Tillie
2) Kindly old greeter at Wal-Mart forces you to undergo an invasive pat-down before entering the store
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU’RE HAVING A BAD HOLIDAY SHOPPING SEASON…
1) Your secret Christmas shopping list just showed up on WikiLeaks
Holiday shopping just could be one of the most dangerous things a person does in their lifetime. I demand studies!
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