My Ready-made Pro Football Hall Of Fame Induction Speech

I watched some of the induction ceremony last night from the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio, which led me to realize that if worn and weary cliche-ridden acceptance speeches are suddenly upon us, could football be far behind?

While I congratulate the new inductees (and believe me, some of my idols over the years have deservedly been so honored), after a while I realized that most of these speeches all pretty much have the same structure, and that you can break them down into several main themes -- and the particular details can just be plugged in in the appropriate spots. So with that in mind, and for the benefit of any future Hall Of Fame inductees (you can send the check directly to me), I now offer a ready made Pro Football Hall Of Fame induction speech:

“Fans, friends, family, fellow inductees, and members of the Hall: Thank you for this warm reception. To say that I am [a. honored / b. humbled / c. honored AND humbled / d. humbled and honored / e. still recovering from the hangover after our all-night drinking bash following the banquet] would be an understatement. I stand here before you, having a difficult time expressing my feelings and emotions [a. over this honor / b. over this ceremony / c. over the fact that right now, I can't even remember why the hell I'm standing here in the first place].

“My journey to Canton has not been an easy one for someone who started out as a poor [a. white man / b. black man / c. biracial man / d. biracial man who was born in either Hawaii or Kenya, I'm not sure which]. There were many times during the early years of my career as I was shuttled from one city to another such as [a. Detroit / b. Buffalo / c. Cincinnati / d. several arena football teams and a women's Roller Derby league] that I wasn't sure I'd made the right decision, and there were many times that I thought I might be running out of [a. options / b.  cities / c. performance-enhancing steroids]. But in the end it was all worth it, as the honor you have bestowed on me tonight has taught me that even a man of my modest [a. talents / b. perseverance / c. immunity to pain -- one side effect of the steroids] can reach the pinnacle of his profession.

“One person I need to single out is my dear mother. Going all the way back to my high school days, she was always there to [a. encourage me that I'd definitely succeed / b. encourage me that I might succeed / c. suggest that maybe I'd succeed / d. wish she'd paid for violin lessons instead]. But through it all, I know that despite wherever my love of football might take me, she'd always be there to [a. offer her love / b. offer her advice / c. criticize my wardrobe / d. expect to have the check from me to cover the mortgage payment on her condo within two days after each game].

“Nowadays, as I look back on my career from the position of being the [a. CEO of my own company / b. hedge fund manager of the financial institution that's currently foreclosing on your house / c. night attendant at a convenience store / d. greeter at my local Walmart] I realize that football has taught me lessons that I can put to good use for life in general. Oh sure, there were some bumpy spots in the road along the way, such as [a. the DUI arrests / b. being caught in a motel room in Terre Haute, Indiana with two underage females / c. the suspensions for testing positive for banned substances / d. the concealed weapons charge / e. my part in the Bountygate scandal -- hey, my name on the check doesn't prove a thing; just ask my agent, my lawyer, and the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader whose account I laundered it through], but in the end, I know that all my experiences have made me [a. a better person / b. an older but wiser person / c. a very bitter, disgruntled, short-fused person – don't EVER try to cut in line in front of me at the checkout at Kroger's!].

"And of course, there was always the fans. What can I say about our fans? It seems they were always there, regardless of how good or bad I played. I know that in several cities I played in, I could freely walk down the street the day after a game, and literally dozens of people would come up to me and [a. ask me for an autograph / b. ask me for money / c. beat the crap out of me after I dropped the pass against the Giants which would have won the game and put us into the Super Bowl]. Thank you, fans! I'll never forget you and [a. the love you showed me / b. the loyalty you showed me / c. the scars on my back after one of you drove over me in your Hummer following the aforementioned dropped pass].

"And I certainly can't forget my coaches and teammates.  If I wanted to hand-pick a group of guys to to play with, I couldn't have chosen a better bunch. We went through so much together. Such a close-knit, happy group! It still seems like just yesterday that some of you were [a. hoisting me on your shoulders / b. pantsing me as we ran out onto the field that day against the Falcons / c. running me over me in a Lincoln Navigator after the game against the Giants].

“Finally, last, but certainly not least I have to thank [a. my wife / b. my second wife / c. my third wife / d. my fourth wife / e. all four of my wives / f. my divorce attorney / g. my girlfriend]. I couldn't have made this journey over my fifteen-year career with out the support of [a. her / b. them / c. my marriage counselor / d. the law firm of Finkelfuss, Snootch & Kapoo]. I just hope that someday,  I can somehow pay back that love and support by [a. buying us a home in Tahoe / b. spending a week at Disney World / c. not having to move in with my mother].

“In closing, I would just like to paraphrase the words of the immortal Vince Lombardi, who said 'Winning isn't everything, it's the ONLY thing.' Considering how many times during my career my nose had to be moved back to the center of my face, I can honestly say: Winning isn't everything, it's the UGLY thing.

“Thank you and God Bless.”

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

                                                   

                                                    -- Thomas Pynchon