What Never To Sing At A Nursing Home

Since my hip surgery, I guess I’ve become more sympathetic to and have developed an increased awareness towards those who are not as well off as me, health wise -- the elderly, the infirm, those recovering from an illness or injury, etc. -- in other words, those who for one reason or another are currently confined to a nursing home or senior living residence.  And one of my goals has been to try and offer some sort of diversion and entertainment for those folks, by bringing whatever singing and guitar-playing talents (skills? abilities? self-delusions of competence?) I may possess to that group, who from all reports really appreciate that someone will take the time to give them a break from their worries and tedium. Now I am by no means any type of virtuoso or musical prodigy -- I’ll never be mistaken for Clapton, Eddie Van Halen, or Roger McGuinn. But I can get by fairly well and I have a friend who does play such facilities, and though it doesn’t command much money, it seems to be a very fulfilling and worthwhile endeavor.

Unfortunately, while planning all this, I realized early on that if you don’t perform the right stuff, all your good intentions may completely go for naught, when in the course of believing that you’re entertaining them, you’re actually instilling fear and anxiety in those poor souls regarding their own suffering and mortality -- plus I hear metal walkers and half-gallon jugs full of prune juice can really hurt when rhey hit you after being thrown in anger at high velocity.  And so, after exhaustive and intensive research (meaning I talked to all three of my family members over 80 years old) I came up with a list of the top 10 songs that (should you ever be in a position to do so) you must NEVER sing at nursing homes or senior living facilities -- or if you do, make sure a defibrillator and a riot shield are part of the gear you bring with you:

Top Ten Worst Songs To Sing at a Nursing or Retirement Home:

(10)  STAYIN' ALIVE -- The Bee Gees

(9) THE OTHER SIDE OF LIFE -- The Moody Blues

(8) NEEDLES AND PINS -- The Searchers

(7) SPIRIT IN THE SKY -- Norman Greenbaum

(6) HELP! (subtitled "I've Fallen And I Can't Get Up") -- The Beatles

(5) EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE -- The Police

(4) AND WHEN I DIE -- Blood Sweat & Tears

(3)  DON'T FEAR THE REAPER -- Blue Oyster Cult

(2) HIGHWAY TO HELL -- AC/DC

And the Number One Worst Song to Sing at a Nursing or Retirement Home.....

KNOCKIN' ON HEAVEN'S DOOR -- Bob Dylan

Wish me luck -- I’d hate to be the victim of reverse elder abuse.

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"Every weirdo in the world is on my wavelength."

-- Thomas Pynchon